At this stage, we might as well admit that going through heartbreak in romantic relationships is almost a "coming of age" moment. When you really learn that other people who you may have known for just a few weeks, months and years can have you crying in the rain like a 00’s music video.
This week we had the pleasure of speaking with Holly Madison a Break-Up Coach based in Sydney, Australia. She empowers women to stop thinking about their ex and start living their dream life. As someone who has been through heartbreak and made every mistake in the book, Holly is able to give tangible advice on moving on without it just taking "time". She sees breakups as an opportunity, it's happening for you, not to you. Holly's work is dedicated to making him a LESSON (not your life!) and doing everything you said you'd do without obsessing over your ex and what they are doing.
The funny thing about heartbreaks is that very few people anticipate it and when it happens, they try too hard to minimise the impact. This is one of the tips that Holly offers; that it’s perfectly healthy to sink into that moment for a little while and accept that It. Just. Hurts. It’s so easy to slip into the mentality of trying to be strong and dismissing the pain as irrelevant, especially if you’re angry with your ex, but regardless of how good or bad you, your friends or your family thought he was – you’re not to feel bad for feeling bad. That’s another thing to remember, it doesn’t matter what their character was like, a lot of us have been in love with a blatant F*boy who was clearly never going to marry us, and even in that scenario… it’s ok to hurt.
So… what works?
Holding onto any and all reminders of them certainly isn’t the way forward. Holly talks about how she went through the phase where she didn’t want to end it and needed to prolong it as long as possible. We all know that there’s usually that hope that it all patches up again and works out the way you dreamt it would, whether you feel this way right at the point of breakup or a few weeks or months later, that hope always creeps back up. We have a tendency to idealise our ex’s when they aren’t there, those happy memories very quickly can feel like the best times of your life, so good that nobody can ever fill those shoes again. It’s easy to gloss over the reason why you broke up and the aspects of the relationship that just didn’t fit. You’re better off starting the process of moving on in a healthy way, this starts with sitting with your feelings and accepting the place you’re currently at – instead of postponing the heartbreak with little bits of hope.
Even if you’ve accepted that the relationship has ended, it’s not the most detrimental event of your life. It can feel like it (in the moment) but keeping a "thought journal" will help you see what’s happening in your mind. Everyone thinks that they know what’s happening in their own head all the time but we have over 60,000 thoughts per day, the negative and toxic ones can quickly merge themselves with the reasonable ones. Writing your thoughts of everything you’re feeling and being able to see them clearly will show you to yourself – you’ll read some of them and think “now, that’s just unreasonable and not true!” You’ll see that a lot of your life has maintained itself before, during and after the relationship, the potential you had to upscale other parts of your life is still there and there’s still so much you can achieve.
Ultimately, you’re responsible for yourself and your own feelings. Your ex may have done hurtful things and the relationship didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, but all the things you long for from another person are also things you can give to yourself. Instead of thinking “who will love me like that” try moving to “how can I love myself like that?”. A romantic partner generates a feeling in you, and you need to be able to sustain that feeling when they aren’t there. Upgrade yourself to a level of self-love that won’t be able to accept when they come back with the same behaviours. Love yourself enough to know and change your own toxic behaviours (because we all know, sometimes they leave for a reason) – only then can you look back at that heartbreaking relationship and think “I could never give or receive that again”.
As always, let us know through DM’s or email about your experience with this topic – we want to know what secret trick you found helped you get over a heartbreak. And for more practical tips on how to deal with this, follow Holly on Instagram @holly_maddison_ .
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