Hi TL listeners!
Have you stumbled across that video with the man giving this poor woman a dose of harsh reality advice? Do you know the one we're talking about? It's that youtube video, by a guy named Kevin Samuels. This lady calls in to his youtube Channel live streaming programme asking for relationship advice on how to get a man who earns 6 figures. The story goes downhill from there. The infamous “You’re average looking at best” video went viral towards the end of 2020. You can watch it here if you haven't seen it.
At the TL Podcast Headquarters, we decided we need to address this video and give you our reaction and review of the episode, the issues it touched on and our general thoughts on the subject! If you haven't already, we did a whole 2-part episode on this issue check them out here and here!
To give a bit of background; Kevin Samuels, is a self proclaimed image consultant and life coach by profession who inadvertently gives dating advice on his channel now and again. He even wrote a book called; Dating Advice for Women .
This particular video seemed to have the internet in uproar for various different reasons, a lot of people see this as “he’s giving the truth, with no sugar coating” but also “ he’s demeaning and cruel in his assessment of black women”. Both fair points, but on both ends of the spectrum, some of it is coming from reason and some of it is coming from logic. Some would also say it probably stems from a deep hatred of his own mother (or so it may seem).
Here is what we think
Now…we think it’s really important to clarify one of Kevin Samuel’s main points… he’s not giving advice to everyone. On a lot of his videos, he makes a point of highlighting the fact that he’s in the business of advising men who want to be in the top 10% of earners in the USA and women who want to date and marry these men. This is clearly not given as advice for the ‘the average person’ because it’s not meant to be. Samuels has mentioned on several occasions that most women, no matter what they tell you or what they seem like, don’t want to pay significant bills in the house once they get pregnant. This means, (according to him) her ideal state is ‘housewife’ for at least a few years while the kids are growing up (plus some hobbies/small side hustles she may take up). He also believes that it’s very few who actually want to pursue an intense corporate career instead of this lifestyle.
With this in mind, we turn back to the video; Samuels makes sure this lady knows she’s average looking at best and men who earn the kind of money she needs to support this lifestyle, don’t tend to marry average looking women. For further background; the woman he’s speaking to in the video is a 35 year old single mother who is earning 6 figures in her own business. On the face of it, she sounds like she’s done incredibly well for herself, but all of these aspects, according to Kevin, aren’t as amazing for the type of man she’s looking for. We love that this woman has turned her life into something she should be proud of and gives all us women something and more to aspire to in our careers and businesses. BUT, in the context of dating and relationships, we tend to make the mistake of thinking that all men think alike and will like what we give them, meaning even though he seems impressed by your achievements and your incredible salary… he’s not assessing you based on this the way you would, especially if he’s in the higher tax brackets. This is why some millionaire men marry waitresses, groupies, models, you name it!
That being said, the pool of this level of eligible bachelor is very low. Statistically, the higher up a woman goes in her education and income, the lower her chances are of finding a life partner. This is mainly because of the evolutionary need to marry a ‘provider’ who can ensure you and your children are fed and sheltered. This is called ‘hypergamy’ and it’s the reason that most women tend to marry men who make at least what they do and rarely below. If we put this back into Kevin Samuels’ video, we can see how the top 10% of earners have a tendency to pick the best of the best… because they attract them and they have gotten to a position in their life where they can pick who they want. Of course this isn’t an absolute rule for every high earning man, but Samuels emphasises that there’s a clear trend.
Now that we have appreciated his thinking behind his advice, we now look at his delivery. We thought his delivery of the intended advice was one of the biggest problems in this video. He gives a detailed breakdown of why the men she wants don’t want her, but there was no attempt to sincerely help her. How she can be what the men she wanted could want, or how she could try. He was most definitely dismissive of her in the fact that she will never get a 6 figure man and would most likely "die alone". Granted, he was clearly irritated with her for calling in with the wrong topic, but it’s very easy to just say “please call on another day when we’re discussing your topic, goodbye” and move on – the entire conversation was uncalled for. There seemed to be zero intention to uplift her and give her the information in a way that aims to inspire, but instead he sounded like he wanted to ‘put her in her place’ because she’d been rude enough to call in on the wrong topic. It’s hard not to notice the underlying tone of intolerance and frustration in his voice, but it makes you wonder if this is more showmanship for the drama than seeking to actually help.
That being said... this video provides some useful insights into modern black women, which we can usually accept these insights if we come to the conversation ready to listen and without our emotions getting the better of us.
There is a growing trend of visualises our ideal man but there is no effort on our part to visualise what we bring to the table as a "perfect woman" (bear in mind there is no such thing as perfect). As women we create lists of the type of guy we want, no kids, high paying job, fine looking, not a momma's boy, affectionate, thoughtful, generous, supportive, attentive. Do we stop to think if that guy has his own list, what would be on it and would we fit the criteria? Will that criteria be something we can live up to? Maybe yes, maybe no. And if its a no, can we stop trying to fit a square peg into a circular hole? By the sounds of the lady in this video, the majority of the black women of our generation would likely continue telling themselves that God will bring the man of their dreams to their doorstep using Amazon Prime.
Girl, go get your man no matter what
There are so many topics that are sugar coated for women by women. For example:
Remember Johnny who used to bully you in 4th grade? It's not because he liked you and didn't know how to talk to you, like your friends said. No; he was just a nasty boy with no manners!
On a deeper level; look at the current obesity epidemic for example; over 80% of black women in the USA are overweight or obese. However, the amount of people who normalise obesity and promote loving your body the way it is is strikingly popular. When healthy eating should still be encouraged for health reasons rather than aesthetics.
Another example, is many women who stay in unhappy marriages or have past trauma from previous relationships without taking the time to seek counselling, therapy or addressing some deep seeded hatred towards men (or black men in particular).
Not to mention a high level of single parent households, most of us women talk about not have the sex talk with our parents or guardians and were just left to figure it out. We heard from friends and most of the time incorrect information. Which led to a lot of teen pregnancies. Young marriages, separations, and ultimately single parent households.
The point is; even though his delivery can be cutting; Samuels emphasises the need for telling it like it is; for women to keep fit, go to therapy when needed and only ever consider having children after marriage. He talks about realistically assessing yourself and what you want, then taking ownership of your own life and being accountable for where you end up and who you end up there with.
To sum up our reactions to the video; shock, horror, embarrassment, disappointment and acceptance. All at the same time.
Enough about what we think! Let us know your thoughts on this as there are so many angles to come at this from - and yes, we want you to be brutally honest! Post your response in the comments but if you want to stay anonymous then please DM us.